Attachment Styles Explained: How Childhood Shapes your adult relationships

Have you ever wondered why you pull away from people you’re close to? Or why you feel anxious when a loved one doesn’t text back right away? The answer often lies in our attachment style — our own personal blueprint of how we connect, trust, and relate to others.

Attachment theory, introduced in the 1950s and jointly developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that humans are biologically wired to seek comfort and connection from caregivers. Consistent care and connection from a caregiver are necessary to a child’s survival. The quality of care a child receives from their caregiver shapes the way they view themselves, how they relate to others, and how they navigate social and emotional experiences. 

The way you were cared for as a child provided the blueprint for how you show up in relationships as an adult. This blueprint is called your attachment style. Individuals either develop a secure attachment style or an insecure attachment style. There are four types of attachment styles: secure, fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, and anxious attachment. 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style is rooted in trust, safety, and balance. Someone with a secure attachment style generally feels comfortable trusting and being close to others while also maintaining their own independence. They believe they are worthy of love and that others can be dependable. In practice, this looks like being able to openly communicate needs, set boundaries, share emotional intimacy, and navigate conflict without fear of losing the relationship. Like all humans, securely attached individuals still experience hurt, disappointment, and conflict, but they tend to repair and reconnect in healthy ways. For example, someone with secure attachment may approach conflict by saying “I felt hurt by that comment; can we talk about it?” rather than withdrawing or lashing out. 

Secure attachment usually develops in childhood when caregivers are consistent, reliable, and supportive. A child who experiences this kind of care learns that it’s safe to explore the world and take risks because they have a reliable “safe haven” to return to. Research suggests this is the most common attachment style, with approximately 64 percent of the US population being securely attached. 

Examples of securely attached characters in pop culture include Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly from The Office and David Rose from Schitt’s Creek. 

Insecure Attachment

While secure attachment is the most common, not everyone grows up with consistent and supportive care. When care is less consistent or unpredictable, we may develop what’s called an insecure attachment style. Research suggests that 36 percent of the US population falls into one of three insecure styles. It’s important to remember that an insecure attachment style isn't a personal flaw — it’s a response to the care you received as a child. These patterns make sense given your experiences, and they can change with awareness and support.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style tend to be very attuned to changes in others’ emotions. Deep down, they often fear rejection or abandonment, which can lead them to put others’ needs before their own in hopes of maintaining closeness. When activated, the anxiously attached person may become preoccupied with repairing or protecting the relationship. This can look like seeking reassurance, calling or texting repeatedly, people-pleasing, or holding onto a relationship even when it doesn’t feel fulfilling. At its core, anxious attachment often carries feelings of not being “enough” and expecting rejection. 

Anxious attachment usually develops when care in childhood was inconsistent or unpredictable. A caregiver may have been supportive sometimes but unavailable or misattuned at other times, leaving the child unsure of what to expect. In some cases, caregivers may have looked to the child for their own emotional support, rather than providing that care to the child. Notably, anxious attachment does not necessarily stem from neglect or abuse — for example, a supportive parent who travels frequently for work may unintentionally contribute to this pattern. 

Examples of anxious attachment in pop culture include Riley in Inside Out 2, Bella Swan in Twilight, and Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother. 

Dismissive-Avoidant

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often value independence and self-reliance. They may appear emotionally distant, avoid conflict, or struggle with deeper intimacy. These behaviors aren’t because they don’t care, but because closeness can feel overwhelming or unsafe. When a partner depends on them, they might cope by pulling away emotionally or physically in order to regain a sense of control.  At its core, dismissive-avoidant attachment often carries beliefs like “being vulnerable leads to pain” and “others can’t be relied on”. 

This attachment style often develops when a caregiver was emotionally, physically, or mentally unavailable during childhood. This unavailability caused the child to learn to depend on themselves, not their caregivers, to meet their needs. Over time, this self-sufficiency became a way of protecting against disappointment or hurt. 

Examples of dismissive-avoidant characters in pop culture include Mike Heck in The Middle, Emily Cooper in Emily in Paris, and Sebastian Wilder in La La Land. 

Fearful-Avoidant

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often feel caught between two strong needs: the desire for closeness and the urge to protect themselves from getting hurt. They crave love and connection, but at the same time struggle to trust others or feel safe being vulnerable. This can lead to a “push-pull” dynamic in relationships, where they move between seeking closeness and pulling away. These patterns can show up in all types of relationships, not just romantic. Underneath it all is often a deep fear of abandonment and a negative view of both themselves and others. At its core, fearful-avoidant attachment is tied to feelings of being unworthy, unsafe, or at risk of being taken advantage of or abandoned. 

This attachment style often develops when a child’s caregiving environment was supportive at times and abusive at others. Growing up with this unpredictability can leave a child longing for love while also viewing love as a source of danger. 

Examples of fearful-avoidant characters in pop culture include Bojack Horseman  in Bojack Horseman and Meredith Grey in Grey’s Anatomy. 

What You Can Do About It 

It can feel disheartening to identify with the feelings, patterns, and experiences of an insecure attachment style. Attachment styles are not fixed — they can shift and heal over time. With compassion, self-awareness, and the support of safe, consistent relationships, it is possible to move toward greater trust, vulnerability, and safety in your relationships. If you’re ready to begin this process, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward creating the relationships and life you deserve. 

Sources

Anxious attachment style guide: Causes & symptoms. The Attachment Project. (2023, June 5). https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/ 

Fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant: Key differences. The Attachment Project. (2025, September 1). https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/fearful-avoidant-vs-dismissive-avoidant/ 

Gibson, T. (2020). Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life. Rockridge Press. 

Lebow, H. I. (2022, June 22). Anxious attachment style: What it looks like in adult relationships. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs#signs-of-anxious-attachment-style 

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find--and keep--love. Jeremy P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.

Meng, X., D'Arcy, C., & Adams, G. C. (2015). Associations between adult attachment style and mental health care utilization: Findings from a large-scale national survey. Psychiatry research, 229(1-2), 454–461. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2015.05.092

Secure attachment: From early childhood to adulthood. The Attachment Project. (2025, June 3). https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/